The inside of a binge is deep and dark; it is a descent into a world in which every restriction you have placed on yourself is cut loose. The forbidden is obtainable. Nothing matters—not friends, not family, not lovers. Nothing matters but food. Lifting, chewing, swallowing—mechanical frenzied acts, one following the other until a physical limit, usually nausea, is reached. Then comes the sought-after numbness, the daze, the indifference to emotional pain. Like a good drug food knocks out sensation.
- Geneen Roth 'Feeding the hungry heart the experience of emotional eating'
This was the paragraph that completely devastated me and brought me to tears. It described what I have been doing for most of my life, since a young child. I had always thought it was 'just me' and that it was the sick twisted thing that I did that no one on earth would understand. See, I wasn't bulimic, they puke it all up again, I could never do that. So, just thought I was some kind of freak
This has been coming for a long time, two and a half years ago I started gaining weight again. I went to a specialist who was a nutritionist and psychologist specializing in eating disorders. At the time I was on one of those last stitch efforts diets, no carbs (including tomatoes and broccoli) until 6pm, then anything I want for exactly 60 minutes. My god, I can't even believe I did that one. She told me that if I continued this diet I would get sick, and it would eventually affect my heart, possibly give me nasty things like diabetes. YAY!
Her suggestion? NO MORE DIETING, ever. Shall I repeat the last one, EVER. Did that freak me out? Umm, yes! I was desperate to loose weight, I had spent the last 24 months fighting over 5 kg (not that much on a frame of my size, I'm six foot). My thyroid was collapsing and I was desperate.
She told me that dieting creates the obsessive need to eat, and think about food. She gave me a bunch of books (Diet No More, and If not diet then what) I read them cover to cover. I could see the points of their arguments, but they all said it would be a loss of 5 kg A YEAR, that's right, stay in fatty land for years and years. I was devastated.
I devised a plan, loose the 20 or so kg I needed to loose, and then I can look at why I binge, and all that tricky stuff.
Well, that was two and a half years ago. And, nothing has changed, sorry, did I say nothing? No, sorry, two and a half years has allowed me to GAIN 15 kg!! Yes. Great.
While attempting to pull myself together and start yet another diet, weeks of bingeing and fighting and feeling wretched. I came across the Roth book. I was so moved by the book I decided, that's it, no more diet, no more restrictions. I felt free and relieved and didn't really want any food. Ate when I was hungry and relaxed. For two days. Then my husband left for a two week overseas trip and left me with a sick kid and a grumpy kid. And today was the day of en masse consumption. BAD. BAD. BAD.
Ok, this is it. My first post. The first time I have talked publicly about the pain and heartache food has caused me in my life. I want this space to be a completely honest and open. This blog, I hope will be the catalyst for real and long term change. I want to examine why I eat or what I feel when I want to binge, and try to find alternatives. I want to nourish my body with good food and my soul with...whatever it needs because food can't fill your soul.
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